Have you ever felt like all your effort — in writing, or any kind of art — is for nothing? Have you ever wanted to just stop sharing your work altogether, delete your Tumblr, and vanish from the scene? Because that's all I’ve been thinking about lately.

I've been part of the IF community for a while now. Over the years, my Tumblr has slowly built up a following — a little over a thousand people. I’ve stayed consistent with my updates and kept putting in the work, but when I post, out of those thousand followers, only one person might reblog and maybe ten will like the update.

I follow other IF writers, and it honestly breaks my heart to see so many of the same people who follow me actively reblogging their work but not mine. I know, logically, that readers can reblog whoever they want, but is it too much to want that kind of support for my own writing too?

The other day I posted an update… and I barely got any reblogs. Imagine writing and coding over 100k words, only for it to feel like no one cares enough to even drop an emoji, click “like,” or hit reblog.

If I’m being honest, I usually sit down and write back-to-back because I always want to be producing words — but this month? My document is blank. I know what I want to write, but I don’t have the strength or motivation to actually do it. What’s the point? It feels like it’ll just get tossed into the void like every other update.

And that’s why I’ve decided that if I really can’t write anything this month, I’ll just delete my blog and my game and move on with life. I’m not hungry for fame or money — I just want to know that all my effort isn’t in vain. It’s depressing to watch those numbers dwindle every day.

I know a lot of people lurk, and I get it — I’m a lurker too. But when have I not reblogged another writer’s update or at least left a heart? I support them because I know what that feels like. So why shouldn’t I feel hurt?

And yet, I still catch myself thinking I’m just being selfish or ungrateful. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe my whole thought process makes me a cancer in the IF community.

You don’t have to respond to this — I just needed to say it somewhere. I’ve always appreciated the advice and kindness you show to new and upcoming authors, and that’s why I chose to vent here. You’ve never judged people for being honest about their feelings, and right now, I just needed that. I have a million more thoughts, but I’ll stop here.

~depressedpotato😔

Dear Depressed Potato friend,

Please allow me to reach out my flippers and pat you on the shoulder. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so down.

It is so very hard to compare one's inside to others' outside, especially when there are metrics like notes, likes, and reblogs that so easily feel objective.

I do not feel the urge to delete my work or vanish, but I do sometimes need to take time away from being so active online. (I am doing that currently, for there are house renovations going on in my roommate @hpowellsmith's home and it is Extremely Noisy All The Time both literally and in the brain.) I do sometimes need to mute words and phrases, and filter websites so that I don't inadvertently spend too long on them.

There is no shame in this. If you need to mute the names of IF projects that push you towards negative comparisons, that is OK.

Also: there is so very much going on.

Times are never easy but right now in a lot of places there are atrocities going on, economic troubles, escalating costs of living, news cycles full of horror. It means that we as writers have less capacity, but also readers do too.

That doesn't make it any easier, though, and I very much feel for you. As I do for the many other writers who have sent me messages on a similar theme.

On a practical basis I can suggest revisiting questions about encouraging people to send messages and marketing, and I wonder whether you have been engaging with other authors, non-anonymously? Are there writers whose work you enjoy whom you'd like to reach out to and tell them that directly? We all know how valuable and inspiring it is to hear that another writer enjoys our work! It sounds as though you're very much struggling with self-worth over this, and perhaps directing that energy towards giving feedback to others may help you feel more productive in a different way? That might help you cast off the bothersome labels of "selfish" and "ungrateful" that you're placing on yourself.

You obviously feel passionate about creating things, but it sounds like you've lost touch with the internal/intrinsic motivation so when there isn't so much external motivation it causes pain and distress, and is harder to struggle through the tough parts of the writing process. I am certain that there are people who enjoy your work and that it isn't for nothing.

I do not recommend deleting your blog or writing project unless you've been thinking about it very carefully: it would be a real shame if you regretted it afterwards. But it's perfectly possible to have a middle ground: log out and not look at it for a bit, for instance. Or create a queue and be careful not to scroll through lots of other projects.

Can I give you a little optional assignment? Maybe you would like to write something just for yourself - a game or a poem or a short story, a piece of fanfic, the thoughts of a character you love, even just a description of a place, anything to help reignite the spark of creativity in you. It's not something you need to show anyone. In fact I would recommend keeping it to yourself! Ideally this is a small, low-stakes thing that doesn't carry the pressure of many more scenes or chapters: just a small piece.

Dear friend, I hope you recover some writing joy. I wish you all the best.